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Why Didn't You Teach Me How To Wipe?

Taboo's critical literary discussions about Ernest Hemingway, Hermann Hesse, T.S. Eliot, Flannery O'Connor, Franz Kafka, and many other authors. Links to full story texts and critical discussions.

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Why Didn't You Teach Me How To Wipe?

12.28.04 (7:56 pm) [edit]

Why Didn't You Teach Me How to Wipe?
Twenty Fundamental Questions

Thanks for the times tables. Nine multiplied by seven? No worries. And I can spell "subpoena" correctly eight of ten times without a spell check. Pizza crust? Marinara? Let's just say Emeril looks like the chef at Alcatraz.

Unfortunately, you neglected to instruct me in some fundamental concepts. Perhaps you don't know the answers yourself. Well, I've reached the cold, clear moment in my life where I refuse to accept ignorance any longer. To quote one of the most significant visionaries of our time, "The Dude minds, man!" Yes. The Dude minds. Now, I will set loose the torrent. The whole world is my classroom, and its various peoples will be my instructors.

1. Let's say my bowels have moved profusely. How much toilet paper do I use? To fold or to wad? With the grain, like sanding wood, or against the grain, like slicing tender beef? Toward the front, or toward the back?
2. It's shaving time. Do I shave in the shower, or after? Can I shave when I haven't taken a shower? Do I shave down or up? Can I do both? Is it okay to leave the shadow on my cheeks, or is this an indication of poor shaving technique? Cold or hot water on the razor? How many rounds is a Mach 3Turbo good for, before I should throw it away? What the hell is "after shave" good for, anyway?
3. Why can't I grow a mustache? I'm the king of neck beards, but what's wrong with that upper lip?
4. Is eyebrow plucking just for women? What about hair gel? What about hair driers?
5. Why the hell can't I dance? Is it one of those things where either you can do it or you can't? Do I need to take lessons? People say "Just go out there, TBT. Everyone is making a fool of themselves." If I just went out there, would I be making more of a fool of myself than other people?
6. How many times per day should I think about posture? Supper table? Walking to work? Writing on my computer?
7. Does everybody floss?
8. When I'm in bed with my girlfriend, how far can creativity take me?
9. Who reads the books on the NY Times bestsellers list? They suck, don't they?
10. Is it okay to talk to the strangers I pass on the street when I'm walking?
11. Should I ask out the young woman serving me omelettes at the Flying Saucer?
12. Sometimes I like to wear the same jeans for three and a half weeks in a row. Is this really so bad?
13. What's more important: paying bills on time, cooking supper for your girlfriend, or remembering to take out the trash after she's asked you to?
14. Do I really need to use a comb or a brush?
15. Should I be embarrassed when I buy (a) condoms, (b) Playboy, (c) bodywash, (d) the spongy thingie for the bodywash?
16. Why do my shoelaces always get untied?
17. Is it okay to stare, just a little bit, at pretty women? If I'm single? If I'm dating? If I have a serious girlfriend? If I'm married?
18. Pick-up lines don't work, do they?
19. Everyone picks a nose sometimes, right?
20. Is there a way to learn how to smile more brightly, more nicely, less sarcastically?

Most responses will be appreciated, and if you have also been bumbling through your life without the answers to these questions, I love you with all my heart, and my God have mercy on our souls.

posted by: Lezah (reply)
post date: 12.28.04 (6:55 pm)

Although I’m sure you intended the questions to be rhetorical, I feel the need to answer...
1 Profuse = wadding
2 Shave at the beginning of the shower, before the skin swells around the follicles
3 Moustaches are passé don’t fret it
4 More men should pluck as unibrows are distracting. Hair gel and hair dryers are unisex.
5 Bad dancers are frightening - don’t just go out there and “do it”. Make sure you have rhythm.
6 Apparently posture is very important for proper spine support, correct it whenever you can.
7 No they don’t and that is the leading cause of cavities.
8 Creativity is good in all apects of life.
9 Yes, for the most part, they do stink.
10 Making eye contact and speaking with strangers sends the message that you are not a potential victim.
11 Of course! never ventured...
12 Wear them as often as you like - just make sure they are clean.
13 Depends on what’s important to you - happy girlfriend or electricity?
14 For short hair - fingers, otherwise brush.
15 Buy all and pretend that you’re buying for a friend who’s too embarrassed to.
16 Excellent question- I have the same problem.
17 Anything beautiful is meant to be admired, single or not.
18 Best pickup line is honestly admitting you don’t have any pick up lines.
19 Hope so... but flush, not flick, the crusties.
20 Nah... sarcastic smiles are a necessity in life.
Great and hilarious post - unless you meant it to be serious, then it is very profound ;)

posted by: TaBooTenente (reply)
post date: 12.28.04 (7:15 pm)

Pure honest humor: there's nothing funnier than my life (the permanent hecklers dogging my steps are living proof).

I feel the need to point out that previous comment-ers have suggested wildly different answers, leaving me with an overused toilet plunger, triple-laced velcro loafers, and three well-groomed eyebrows.

And I still can't dance! What gives?