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Miscarriages and Other Questions

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Miscarriages and Other Questions
01.23.07 (2:34 pm)   [edit]

Mary Nohl SculptureThere are emotions that I couldn't possibly know, or feel, or experience. But I do, anyway.

Maybe you've seen a film or read a book about something so foreign to your world of experience that you shouldn't be able to empathize with the characters; yet in that moment of watching, of reading, you do empathize. You begin to feel that there is some universal human response to anything--you begin to feel that you understand.

Goethe wrote: I have never heard of a crime I couldn't imagine committing myself.

If you lost everything that ever meant anything to you, if your faith was destroyed, who would you be? Would you be capable of actions that seem abominable to you, now?

On the other side of the coin, if you gained everything, if all your needs and wants were filled, who would you be? Would you have the same thoughts and feelings and desires that you do right now?

Can you really empathize with someone who has lost everything?
Can you empathize with someone who has everything?

What does it mean to lose hope?
What does it mean to despair?
What does it mean to find hope, after all hope was lost?
What does it mean to dream about ideals, when your life is about dealing with Reality?
What does it mean to want what you don't, or cannot have?
What does it mean to learn something new?
What does it mean to let yourself see the world from a new perspective?

What is it about human beings that makes us need to force order upon chaos? Why are names so important? Why do we need to understand what we feel?

Why do we need to be understood by someone else? Why is talking, sharing, intimacy so important?

What happens when someone we know loses something essential, something root and core to life?

What happens when a woman has a miscarriage?
What has she lost?
What can she find?
What can she share about loss with a man?
What can a man know about miscarriage?
What can a man share with a woman who has lost?

Can something like loss be shared?
Maybe nothing can be shared, except the attempt to share.

Or, maybe, everything can be, and always is shared, whether you believe it or not.

Maybe our worst moments only seem unique, because we want special pain.
Maybe we hold on to the most frightening experiences in order to feel special.
Maybe we want our lives to be worthy of pity.
Maybe we need to believe our pain is terrible as rape, or murder, or crime.
Maybe our suffering depends on the belief that we are victims.

Maybe we really are the same--maybe every human experience, every human emotion is exactly that: human.

Maybe we guard our experiences to separate ourselves from the pack. Maybe we want to believe that we have our own identity.

And maybe it doesn't matter whether the experience is unique, or whether the nightmare is ours alone, or whether the love of which we dream is or ever could be real. Maybe, in the end, it is only the attempt that is real. Is dreaming real? Is hoping real? Is loving real?

Is it possible to find dreams, or hopes? Or love?
Is it possible to find anything, if you're just going with the flow?
Is it possible to find without trying?

For many dopey years of my life, I believed this: the only real things are those that land squarely on your plate. Now I think: the only real things are those things that you pretend are real.

Henry James wrote: Landscape is character.

Two different people walk down the same street. Only: it can never be the same street.

This makes life a matter of responsibility. Whatever you choose to believe is, in fact, real. You are the maker of the experience. You tell the story. You are the one who shares the story. You are the one who refuses to share. You are the one who refuses to believe.

Copyright ©2004-2006, ©2007 Joshua Suchman. All rights reserved.
Taboo Monkey Blue Blog

** Sculpture by Mary Nohl
More Sculpture by Mary Nohl

 


posted by: surrogate (reply)
post date: 01.23.07 (12:52 pm)

More unanswerable questions.

Questions like these run through my head for hours most days, and my answers for them are as ethereal and wispy as anyone else's. I've often thought that heaven would be, not in finding out definitive answers for them, but rather, in having them disappear from my thoughts altogether.

I'm quite sure hell would be having them take on an even greater significance and/or a more persistent presence in my consciousness. The streets I walk down are quite busy enough, and, as you point out, are full of people who see them, and therefore navigate them, quite differently.





posted by: SupremeAnna (reply)
post date: 01.23.07 (5:36 pm)

Sometimes I like to think about the "big" questions. It keeps me humble, to know that there are things no one can ever know. It keeps me sane, knowing there are things no one can ever control. Thanks for posting.



posted by: tabootenente (reply)
post date: 01.25.07 (6:27 am)

Reply to: SupremeAnna

thanks, supreme. i wonder how many things there are out there--things that we can't actually control. or, whether it's our responsibility to try, even if we can't control them.

taboo



posted by: tabootenente (reply)
post date: 01.25.07 (6:34 am)

Reply to: surrogate

pure hell. this post comes from trying to respond to a friend's bad news. when i wrote back to her, my first attempt was to identify how she must be feeling. my second attempt was to empathize. my third attempt was to scrap all of my attempted drafts and try to forget.

i don't know. no condolence is ever enough, but you have to try. and maybe by being a little selfish--by saying how YOU feel--by being honest, maybe that's enough.

taboo



posted by: tabootenente (reply)
post date: 01.25.07 (6:35 am)

Reply to: surrogate

pure hell. this post comes from trying to respond to a friend's bad news. when i wrote back to her, my first attempt was to identify how she must be feeling. my second attempt was to empathize. my third attempt was to scrap all of my attempted drafts and try to forget.

i don't know. no condolence is ever enough, but you have to try. and maybe by being a little selfish--by saying how YOU feel--by being honest, maybe that's enough.

taboo



posted by: surrogate (reply)
post date: 01.25.07 (2:39 pm)

Reply to: tabootenente

I'm sure it has to be enough, because as you pointed out, it's all you can do, and anyway, it's probably all we do when we empathize too. I suppose we can do, or be, the one thing it seems most people need at some point when grieving: be an ear.



posted by: coccinella (reply)
post date: 01.27.07 (11:56 am)

.. or maybe just BE. near.
I don't have courage to speak to person who suffers from something I have never felt (lived). For example a miscarriage. It seems so terrible to live. I feel-I have no right to speak about it.
But everyone lives his own tragedies. A year ago I lived (I've still living) my own pain. I told me than: now, you can speak with person who suffer the same. No, I am not glad that I have my own pain, but if I don't have a choice, I try to find some advantages of this situation.

PS. Thanks for your nice comment on my blog. You were very indulgent towards me and my English. But I know that I have a lot of problems not only in writing but also in understanding. So if I misunderstood something or wrote badly, sorry.

PS2. You write too many questions ;)



posted by: LadyG (reply)
post date: 01.27.07 (4:14 pm)

Excellent post taboo.



posted by: tabootenente (reply)
post date: 01.28.07 (10:12 am)

Reply to: coccinella

the right to speak--yes, i guess that's the issue. the whole deal falls somewhere between "do i have the right to speak?" and "i have the responsibility to speak."

we have to try to speak, or else how will we be there for the people who need us?

we never have the right to speak, because we can never really get into the shoes of anyone else.

but we have to try because, well, because what else can we do?

"you are embarked. you must gamble." -- pascal

taboo



posted by: tabootenente (reply)
post date: 01.28.07 (10:13 am)

Reply to: surrogate

also true. and listening is too important not to try to do well. and maybe it's the hardest thing of all.

taboo



posted by: tabootenente (reply)
post date: 01.28.07 (10:14 am)

Reply to: LadyG

thanks, lady.




posted by: coccinella (reply)
post date: 01.28.07 (2:02 pm)

Reply to: tabootenente

we can listen, we can be together, we can try do to what the person seems like us to do (one person wants us to speak, another maybe not). One thing is certain to me - we shouldn't escape.




posted by: commontater (reply)
post date: 02.06.07 (8:02 pm)

Exquisitely rendered rumination.

PuC



posted by: tabootenente (reply)
post date: 02.10.07 (9:34 am)

Reply to: coccinella

i agree. we shouldn't escape--and i don't think we really can. we can always try to repress our response, but that leads to shadows and schisms, like Jung says.

taboo



posted by: tabootenente (reply)
post date: 02.10.07 (9:34 am)

Reply to: commontater

thank you very much, commontater.

taboo

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