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posted by: surrogate (reply) post date: 01.26.06 (1:53 pm) "Right now, we have a memory of something that no longer exists. But the memory is now; we remember now." This statement is not only true, it defines my life. I went back and read "In Memory." I need to think about it. Do you have times when you do feel something about it? I mean, without lying to yourself? posted by: TaBooTenente (reply) post date: 01.26.06 (5:43 pm) this has always been a hard thing for me to explain--and the toughness took ten years to teach me one of the weirdest, most powerful lessons i've ever pounded into my thick skull. for the longest time, i tried to keep myself from "pretending to feel." so many people came to janna's funeral--she was that kind of person. i mean, she was eighteen years old and something like 2000 people of all ages came from all over the world to go to her funeral. everyone was destroyed by her death. we were shocked, of course. but she had so much energy that when she died, no one could deal with the fact that all of her motion was gone. people cried, screamed, broke stuff, tried to be supportive to other people--tried to be strong. i saw every different emotion represented by at least two other people. at the time, i suspected that i must feel sad, or depressed--but i saw "sad" and "depressed" played by others, and i knew that whatever i was feeling must be different (less) than what they were feeling. here's the hard part to explain (at least, it was the hard lesson to learn): by not letting myself TRY to feel something, i never felt anything. people always say, let yourself feel whatever it is you're feeling. but for me, at least, that's not how it works. i need to try before i can feel. so i learned to lie. like i try to explain in In Memory, every explanation starts with a lie--or, perhaps, with a hypothesis. so i say, when i remember janna, i think of a single photograph. after i say that, i remember the photograph. saying it comes first. then i see janna, and her black eyes and thick, ridiculously clean hair, and her wise-silly lips. after i see those things, i can start to explain about mistaken phone calls and dreams--as if to say, those calls and dreams represent the difficulty of dealing with death. and once i say that, i can try to understand why those calls might represent the difficulty of dealing with death. i'm sorry that i'm doing such a lousy job explaining this. but there is no way to do it quickly. i'm always doing it: trying to find a new way of saying it, so i'll have a new way of understanding it. i lie. i make a statement as if it were true. i did make those calls. i do have those dreams, then, now, and i expect they will always follow me. but i know that those small instances mean nothing--not until i try to make them as important as the death itself. i am amazed that it has taken me so long to touch the surfaces of this simple, stupid truth. but the truth is always in the speaking. nothing means anything until you say it. until recently, i was always afraid to say anything. taboo posted by: surrogate (reply) post date: 01.26.06 (7:03 pm) Well, maybe it's your time to start grieving. I've read that some people take decades before they're even able to begin the process. I do think there's something inside us that prevents us from even attempting it until we're ready to; until we're strong enough. posted by: PastorDave (reply) post date: 01.27.06 (11:40 am) Personally, I'm not so sure the longing for innocence is just a delusion. Perhaps there is something universal about the human angst that longs for a return to innocence. The message of the Bible, and bilically based Christianity, is founded on this idea. Precisely, Adam and Eve were forbidden not to eat of the Tree of Knowledge, but the Tree of the Knowledge of Good & Evil. To pursue knowledge is proper, even part of being made "in the image of God". But to pursue Evil is at the heart of rebellion against God. Why the choice in the first place? Well, choice is necessary for love. If sin is universal, as I believe is a basic Christian belief, then the inherent longing for redemption is also universal. Thus the longing for Eden. And, God promises such through Christ's redemption. Taboo, this is a great post. Let me share with you what is the challenge with your posts. It is a challenge that you cannot, and should not, do anything about. But it is there. Your posts are well-written and cannot be absorbed in a couple of minutes! For me, they require reading and re-reading. And thought. Sometimes we bloggers just aren't in the mood for thinking and challenge. It's more entertainment we are seeking. Shallow, I know. But, we really need folks like yourself. I'm glad they are not all, or even mostly, as challenging as yourself. I am glad that you have come this way. Keep it up. And, why don't you try capitalizing the name of God? posted by: TaBooTenente (reply) post date: 01.27.06 (12:43 pm) great comments, dave, and thank you for the thoughts on my blogging in general. the way i write here, on this blog, is my way of meditating, like a freewrite--and it's also my way of diverting my mind from my other writing. i am always excited when someone wants to talk about my blather; but even if everyone ignored it, i'd still need to let myself blather here, or it would misguide my other writing. now, to your response: this is why i love metaphors. on the surface level, dave, we are coming from two very different perspectives, but here we can use the metaphor to create a language we both are willing to use! 1) you wrote: "Personally, I'm not so sure the longing for innocence is just a delusion. Perhaps there is something universal about the human angst that longs for a return to innocence." --to some extent, i agree with you. there must be something about the human condition that allows us to feel incomplete. and i agree that when we begin to believe that something is lacking from our present lives, we try to identify the missing piece. more in a minute. 2) you wrote: "Precisely, Adam and Eve were forbidden not to eat of the Tree of Knowledge, but the Tree of the Knowledge of Good & Evil. To pursue knowledge is proper, even part of being made 'in the image of God'. But to pursue Evil is at the heart of rebellion against God. Why the choice in the first place? Well, choice is necessary for love." --you are right: it is the Tree of Knowledge of Good & Evil. we could have a good talk about the possible similarities in concepts: knowledge vs. knowledge of good & evil, but that can wait. but is the pursuit of evil the same as the pursuit of the KNOWLEDGE of good and evil? think about it. they hadn't yet eaten from the Tree, so they are unable (at the moment) to distiguish between good and evil. is it possible to actively pursue evil if you are unaware of evil? consider one more idea here: once they eat from the Tree, they become aware of the evil of nudity (or is it their own evil they become aware of? another interesting question for later). before they were naked (evil?) but they didn't know it was evil. so was it evil? if they were unable to distinguish between good and evil prior to eating from the Tree, then violating the prohibition against doing so wouldnt sound any alarms. is it evil to violate the prohibition? yes, if they knew it was evil. so this is really my question about innocence: before eating from the Tree, were they really innocent (because if they were innocent, could they commit a "crime" remember, they've already committed the crime of nudity, but it doesnt count because they didnt know . . . )? and after they ate, did they become corrupt--is it the eating or the knowledge that corrupts us? 3) you wrote: "If sin is universal, as I believe is a basic Christian belief, then the inherent longing for redemption is also universal." --this is the heart of my thinking about nostalgia. as i understand the theology--and you seem to agree with my understanding--sin is universal, because of the Fall, because of the eating from the Tree. but was the violation of eating the forbidden fruit the sin, or is the knowledge of good and evil what creates the condition of sin? we both agree that nostalgia is a wistful longing for a time or place of an innocence that we do not have right now. you believe that innocence is something we used to have, and have now lost. i believe that innocence is either something we never had, or something we never lost. you believe that adam and eve lived in innocence, while they lived in eden. i believe that either: 1. they live (present-tense) in innocence even now, but have become exiled because they believe in the loss of innocence; or 2. they never were innocent in the first place. knowledge of good and evil, after all, existed before they ate of it, and if their condition was innocent, then the eating would never have been so devastating. to be innocent is to be not guilty. if your soul is innocent, can you conceive of guilt? so i'm meditating on this idea. nostalgia longs for something we no longer have. but if we never had it, what does this say about us now? and if we never lost it, then, also, what does this say about us now? thanks, dave. taboo ps. the reason i haven't capitalized the name: it is said within the tradition to which i was born that one must not destroy that name. while my own spiritual beliefs have changed, i do respect the idea. the idea that the name represents is valuable enough to me that i choose not to disrespect the tradition. posted by: Fairmoon (reply) post date: 01.29.06 (5:59 am) sometimes i think it's one of those "the grass is greener" things and we kid ourself into thinking it was SO much better "then" or "there" we like to forget the horrors and pain of growing up and only reme ber the good times. Nostalgia reaks of bittersweetness, while it might be somewhat enjoyable to recall the sweet memories of childhood, doing so often leaves a bitter taste in my mouth and an ache in my belly. FM posted by: TaBooTenente (reply) post date: 01.29.06 (7:35 am) yeah. if you let it take over, going through your days sunk in nostalgia is a hard, self-destructive way to live. but it's easy to forget what it means, when you're feeling nostalgic. it's easy to forget what you're doing to yourself. taboo posted by: (reply) post date: 02.04.06 (10:00 am) $comment posted by: raj (reply) post date: 03.04.06 (11:56 pm) coment
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