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Freedom and productivity. Let's agree that both are important concepts. Yes? I'm glad. Before we go on, though, hand-in-hand, skipping harmoniously through a field of daffodils, let's define these important concepts: Freedom: The state of being at liberty rather than in confinement or under physical restraint; or the power to determine action without restraint. Productivity: The state of having power to generate, create, produce. Are we still braiding daisy chains for each other? Maybe, maybe not. When either becomes an individual obsession, it affects the freedom and productivity of other people. The flock should say "That's baaaaad," but the conservative obsession says, "Fine. Go to hell." We might as well discuss the issue of illegal immigration to our fine, free, productive nation: Hell-bound Liberal: Hey, you understand that freedom allowed YOU to immigrate here in the first place, not to mention provided the motivation for you to immigrate here, right? Frothing, Obsessed Conservative: Hey, why not bring up ancient Greece, or biblical Babylon while you're at it? Let's confine ourselves to the last 5 billion years, okay? HBL: Er, 1960's too antique? 70's? 80's? It doesn't matter, really, FOC. This nation is made of immigrants,both legal and other, both arriving before we declared independance as well as after the sexy disco decade died. Just because you got in line before someone else did doesn't make you unique. FOC: So you don't see a difference between legally immigrating and illegally slithering across the border? HBL: I see two major differences. First: illegal immigration is a synonym in the conservative lexicon for Mexican immigration and legal immigration is a synonym for as rich as- or in business with- or sleeping with- and at the same time praying to the same God as- you; second. . .no, actually, I just see just one major difference. That's the one. FOC: Another flaming conspiracy theorist, huh? Just because the rules aren't perfect, you want to see some ig'nant slave-driver hidden in some master room, playing with a switchboard, changing rules for different folks. HBL: Well, then, you tell me the difference between your type of immigration and the illegal type of immigration. FOC: Are you a moron? The "illegal" type does not have to play by the rules, does not pay proper taxes while absorbing jobs, and requires disproportionate amounts of federal funding. HBL: So their inalienable right to pursue freedom and productivity limits your inalienable right to pursue freedom and productivity? FOC: Add "illegal" between "their and "freedom" somewhere, and "legal" between "your" and "freedom" somewhere in the statement above, and you're on to something. And get this! These illegal immigrants want us to speak their language instead of the other way; they want us to sacrifice our beliefs for the sake of theirs! What a trip! HBL: Just to recap: their "illegal" pursuit of freedom is different from your own "legal" strategy. The "illegal" pursuit limits our freedom, costs us money, is unproductive, and is a drain on our economy. Okay. You scrooge. You tight-fisted, short-sighted, hypocritical, nepotistic conservative obsessed mother of Joseph's aunt and uncle, and the dog, too, whatever his name was before Jose accidently ran him over with your John Deere while tending your personal putting green. I was watching a Chris Rock routine last night, and he was discussing affirmative action. To paraphrase: "Don't get me wrong. I don't want to get into Harvard at the expense of some white boy with a better test score than I have. But if we tie. . .fine by me! I mean, Christ! He's had 400 more years to study for his frickin' SAT's than I had! I can't imagine that it makes productive sense to spend so much money keeping desperate people out of our country, instead of a short-term system of financial assistance. Think about yourselves: suppose you have a family. Suppose you don't have any money. Are you going to sit around, waiting for either your corrupt government to get its economy together, or the next government to the north to ease up on the reactionary hatred toward people it doesn't know? Right. You'd pack a light bag, maybe a few sips of water and some beef jerky, a flashlight or something, and try to feed your damn family. Perhaps you'll manage to sneak your children past the frothing border vigilantes. Perhaps you'll try to sneak a little federal money to buy some frickin' rice. Perhaps you'll try to enroll your kids (you asshole) in school. You'll get a job. You'll work your frickin' ass to the tailbone. You'll love this country more than any other human being on this planet, and, given enough time, you'll be more devoted, more productive, more obsessed with freedom than anyone else, ever. By the way, when I use the word "you" I mean the word "you". Yep.
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